Here are few random thoughts from the past couple of days...

I am currently obsessed with Gnarles Barkely's "Crazy",  Snow Patrol's "Crashing Cars", Red Hot Chilli Pepper's "Snow (Hey Yo), and CD's Josh Garrell's Over Ocean  & Mat Kearney's "Nothing Left to Lose" . These will forever be the soundtrack to my summer 2006 (among other consistent favorites).

I was mowing with my dad late into the evening in the back of an apartment complex (so a big somewhat open field) and just happened in glance up at the sky for a second. It was the time in the night when the sun was just beginning to set and the sky was that perfect color of blue. It was in that moment that I remembered how beautiful our God really is. And how lucky I am to serve Him. I also realized that mowing lawns this summer wasn't such a bad job after all.

I am one dramatic & often times oversensitive girl. Yesterday was my brother's 26th birthday. He went out to celebrate with some friends and told me he would call me. I had to call him...he said sorry and told me to come over. I  made  a big deal out of  him not calling me and made him feel bad for me on his birthday. The reality is he just forgot...not because he didn't want me there or because he loved me any less, he just forgot. I suck as a little sister sometimes.

I had my first grown up interview yesterday. It was for a 7th grade geography position in Anderson.

I screwed up my first grown up interview yesterday. In 15 minutes I told the principal that during my student teaching two teachers had to check in on me when I was in charge of the classroom and that I am a complete procrastinator. (the teachers did check in on me but only because they were being nice...not because I needed them to help me).

I received my first rejection phone call today for my first grown up job. Yeah it sucked. What the hell am I going to do now?....and how many of these interviews am I going to have to go to in my life time??

And finally Prison Break starts in less than a week. OH how I have missed Wentworth...

I love long walks on nights like these. It ranks in at least my top three favorite summer activites. There is something to be said about the stillness and silence that night usually brings. It is a time of purification....of taking all the shit that was put into the air during the day's hustle and bustle and making is clean, crisp, and breathable once again. Some of my best conversations, favorite memories, and deepest thoughts have come outside at night. I wish I could somehow find my "night"....at time of purification, of cleansing the lies and the shit that have filled me throughout the years. I want to feel as though I can breathe again with confidence...with the complete faith that I am who my Father molded me to be.

Church on Sunday was amazing. This summer has been a time of great struggle to find meaning, motivation, and reasoning for my life. Although Sunday did not begin to answer any or all of those longings, it did give me a place to start. I have been living smothered in a cloud of lies....lies that are whispered in my ear ever so gently. Although these lies have not done drastic damage to relationships I have with others, they have shot to hell the relationship I have with myself and my God. Instead of listening to the still, small voice of God telling me that I am loved and that I am gifted to do certain things...I have been listening to the roar of a being that tells me I can't do anything at all....that causes the imperfections in my life and in my actions to become an obsession.

As I sat in church and prayed that God would being to expose those lies for what they are Matt said something profound....the way to begin to combat those lies is to fill our thoughts with the truth. Holy shit...what the hell is he talking about? I pray, I discuss Jesus, I sing worship songs occasionally in my car....what more is there? He then said diving into the Word and seeking out the truth that it says....

Tonight as I was driving home from walking with my best friend when it occured to me the biggest lie I was buying into....fear. Not a fear to speak or live, but a fear of falling back into a life of legalism....let me explain

 Since my sophomore year at AU I had decided to stop reading my Bible all together. I was going through this whole fuck all tradition and habit because it is all legalism and I don't want to be bound by that any longer....To that point I had consistently read the Bible each night for almost five years (ok maybe I missed a few days here and there....but it seriously was pretty much habit). This act of "truth seeking" turned into the act of "pleasure seeking". Everytime I opened my bible I was seeking a little more approval from God....a little more stock in my mansion in heaven...a little more love from my Father. I hated what this act had become....until now I usually just dismissed those calls to faithful bible reading but Sunday was different. Sunday the invitation struck a cord....and tonight I figured out why. I opened my bible the other night and began to read John. I thought that would be a great place to start. As I began to read I began thinking to myself....why am I reading this? am I even reading the right stuff??? How am I supposed to know what all this means...and if i can't understand most of it than why read it in the first place....and most of all why am I doing this at all??? I feared that this time around would be another legalistic attempt to make God a fan of mine. I realized tonight that these are all lies.....that I am now in a place where i know God loves me not matter what...that nothing changes that...i still have no idea what it all means and no clue where I should start reading...but the important thing is that I will read....I will read to surround myself with truth. and didn't someone once say "the truth will set you free"??

So I have decided to begin posting again after a long break. I have a hard time knowing what to write on these things, but have decided to put the fear of sounding stupid and being vulnerable aside and write....so here it goes!!

I am having a hard time growing up. This may not come as much a surprise to many of you, who seem to be in the exact same position. I thought I would love the freedom that came with a college degree and singledom. But, it seems that the freedom that seems to surround me is actually paralyzing. The idea that my life is a blank slate...that my options are limitless seems to be constricting, not liberating. I want to make the perfect decision on a path for my life. I am scared that I am going to choose the wrong job, wrong location to live, wrong dream to pursue. I had this fantasy that I would graduate from college and  quickly move into my dream job that not only did I love, but impacted the world in just the right way. Instead of this occuring, I am living with my parents, sweating my ass off everyday mowing lawns, and quickly becoming addicted to day time television and MTV reality shows. Life is absolutly nothing like I imagined it would be. I should be happy to have such freedom, but i am not. I want the structure back. I want an advmisor to sit down and tell me what's next....to tell me where I am supposed to go and what job I am supposed to take. I am scared. I am scared I am going to look back at my life and realize I did nothing to contribute to the Kingdom....does any of this resonate with anyone???

I have daily conversations with my parents in which they address the same basic ideas: lack of plans for the fall, NO insurance, and the need for some sort of direction. They are trying to be supportive, but at the same time they want me to not be laying on their couch, watching the Young and the Restless, and eating bon bons come September. I am scared. I am scared to become an adult.

I guess this is enough for my first post back....

"With so many people to love in my life

Why do I worry about one?"